I spent so much time this fall worrying about dying, I forgot about living! So, with my recent staging scans reporting that the cancer is holding steady (not shrinking, but not growing), it is time for me to crawl out from under the cover of depression and doom and face the world head-on once again.
To prevent me from seeing my own shadow and diving right back under the covers, I decided to make some changes in my life. First off I’ve decided to retire from the work force. It wasn’t as easy a decision to make as it might seem. Since I was only working part time, the loss of my income won’t be a dramatic change. However it did provide some extra spending money so I didn’t feel so guilty when I got carried away with some online shopping opportunities and it could be a problem as our medical bills continue to grow. Another issue is that I will miss interacting with my boss and the other people I see at work. However, with the monthly trips to Chapel Hill and the times I just don’t feel well, I wasn’t able to give the extra time to get everything done at work. Though it was a 10 hour a week job, most weeks I spent 15 or 20 hours which I could take as comp when things were not so busy. But I have not been putting in the extra hours lately and I seemed to be constantly playing catch up and just couldn’t get things done the way I like them. The feeling I wasn’t doing the best job I can do, and dealing with the other issues in my life right now, I decided that it was time to let go of this particular stressor. So, as soon as Missi can find a replacement, and I can get them trained in all the “procedures” I developed trying to automate the office somewhat, I will join the ranks of the unemployed. Though I will get unused vacation pay, I will lose all the accumulated sick leave, which, since I had so much comp time, I rarely used, is over 200 hours. That is almost a half a year! Unfortunately I can’t even donate them to another state employee who may be in need… Oh well. Then there is the conundrum of having the free time to do more things that I want to do but then not having the funds to do them.
The next issue I need to face is doing some work around the house. The bathrooms need upgrading, the kitchen counter needs resurfacing, the basement needs waterproofing and painting. About a year and a half ago I played with a design for a wonderful master bedroom and bath that I’d love to live in. I put that idea away when employment concerns and then health issues made a big remodel seem impossible. When I thought about revisiting the idea, a few things came up. Number one of course is finances. Whatever we do around the house, it needs to add to the real estate value but not over-value the house. I also don’t want to totally deplete the money we had put aside several years ago. Number two is how much disruption and mess I can tolerate while the work is being done. I’ve lived through several remodels, and they are horrible. In the past they have mostly been done in preparation for selling the houses, which was even worse since I wasn’t going to be enjoying the fruits of my misery. So, how much and how long am I willing to live in a construction zone? I do have several options: I can give up the dream of a luxurious and spacious bed and bath and just do a simple superficial update in the bathrooms. This will be the most cost effective and the time involved a lot less. But it leaves us with a tiny master bedroom, tight closet space and a teeny, tiny bathroom. Not a great selling point in the future and not so much fun right now. Water proofing the basement will still be a costly and disruptive process, but one we don’t really have an appropriate alternative. What I need is one of those shows that come in and do the work in two days. However, I know once we get started, there will be more issues brought up, silly things like getting the electrical up to code, re-wrapping the heating ducts that the hell kitten (also known as the seemingly permanent foster cat Jessie, that’s another story) has ripped up, and fixing all the leaks that bring rain water into the house from the chimney, windows and a few other places. Doug and I are great at just putting up with stuff like leaks, inadequate wiring and cramped spaces, but them get forced to correct them when it gets time to sell a house.
Wow, just reading what I wrote, I see myself heading back to that blanket… damn, all the pets have gotten there first and there is no more room for me…. Well, hello world……
